Self-Discipline

It seems trivial, but I get excited by little, everyday accomplishments. For example, last night I REALLY wanted a cookie, my sweet tooth bugging me. I had pulled out the chocolate chips and was getting ready to turn on the oven when I stopped myself. I thought, "I don't need these. Caroline doesn't need these. I have some dark chocolate squares in the fridge that I bought specifically for times like these when I had a craving for sweets. Eat a freakin' chocolate square, and go do your homework." So, I did just that, and I am thanking myself today because if I had made those cookies, I would have eaten even more of them today.

When I've been really focused on my health, it gets to a point that I don't have to think about things like this. I used to skip over sweets like it was nothing. I didn't need it, I hadn't had it in forever, it's almost like I had forgotten what those amazing cupcakes taste like, so I didn't desire them anymore. I didn't desire them so much that I would walk right by them when offered. I remember one time in particular when the whole family was home, and we had cupcakes in the house for some reason. Of course these weren't those crappy store bought cupcakes (I can always turn those down), these were homemade cupcakes. Five years ago, if there had been homemade cupcakes in the house they would have disappeared in a couple days, tops. This time in particular, those cupcakes were overlooked so many times that we had to throw some away because they went bad. I was so shocked when my mom threw them away. Things like that NEVER happened in my household, but this time it had.

For me, self discipline is something I have to learn and practice every single day. If I go off course just once, I often find myself spiraling off in the wrong direction. I have found that my self discipline is at its best when I do the same thing and eat the same thing every single day, no exaggeration. I get used to a certain schedule and certain meals. It makes grocery shopping easy because I eat the same amount of everything every single week. Luckily, I don't often get tired of the same kind of food. I could eat an egg sandwich for breakfast every day for the rest of my life. No really, I LOVE egg sandwiches. Ask my mom, she thinks it's weird and boring.

In an effort for self discipline, but avoidance of monotony, Caroline convinced me to try this recipe for an avocado and asparagus egg sandwich. I have to say, it was pretty delicious...

Today is for Me

When I started this, I said that this was my place to document how things are going, my feelings, etc., etc. So, I'm going to do that today. Today is for me.

It is now November and still nothing. I have had many jobs interviews and applied for a countless number of positions, and still nothing. I've reached out to contacts, sought advice wherever I can get it, re-worked my resume all in the hopes that something would come along. I finally understand what so many people are going through. The immense frustration that comes with hours of searching and chatting and paperwork, and still nothing to show for it except an empty wallet. Maybe I'm lucky - I'm a student so I have my studying to distract me from the job hunt, but I can't get over it. I never thought it would be me in this position. I can feel the toll it is taking on my life - my physical and mental well-being, my relationships, my schedule, my actions. My workouts are a big part of what keep me going, and even those have suffered in the wake of midterms.

I know this is just one small time period in my life. I know I will get through this, and that in just a couple of years I will look back on this time and be so glad I made it through. But right now, in this moment I am frustrated, upset, exhausted, and an emotional wreck. Right now, I want to throw in the towel. But, I won't. I'll keep applying and studying and going to the gym. And hopefully, one of these days the right opportunity will come along.